Counting Loose Change: March. What I'm doing, reading, and writing.

Sea

Chaplaincy

I have about five months left in my residency. It has gone by in a blur.

People often ask what a CPE residency is. The best way I can describe it is that it feels like a kind of pastoral psychotherapy, with a focus on being with a patient rather than doing something for them.

As the clock ticks down, the question of what comes next has grown louder. Right now, I’m leaning toward hospice chaplaincy instead of the hospital. I’m drawn to the flexibility, to entering people’s homes, and to suffering longer with patients and their families. In the hospital, I often arrive on what is typically someone’s worst day and then disappear just as quickly.

There is a strange humility in becoming a forgettable face. A conversation more felt than remembered.

But I think I want more than that. I want to stay longer. I want to know families more deeply.

This month, I’ve noticed some new struggles. One of them is small talk. I’m terrible at it. Conversations about the weather, stamp collections, or someone’s job can feel surprisingly difficult for me. I find myself fighting to stay attentive rather than just nodding along.

I’m good at the big moments. Anger with God. Tears. Lament. Fear. Those spaces, I can enter. In some sense, I even feel energized by them.

But I’m learning to value the small. There are entire universes of a person hidden in the ordinary. I want to learn to delight in those spaces. I want to share in people’s small joys the way Jesus did.

I’m also becoming more aware of how draining suffering can be. This month I’ve felt physically tired in a way that surprised me. I’m realizing that it’s the emotional weight I haven’t taken time to process. It’s subtle. My body noticed before my mind did.

We are strange creatures. The soul presses itself into the body before the mind can make sense of it.

I can spend five minutes in a room, doing nothing but praying for a family saying goodbye to their nineteen-year-old child, and walk away feeling as if I’ve worked for hours.

Suffering is sticky. And humans are strange.

Writing

This month I’ve been writing more slowly than I’d like. That’s okay. If I want my story to be loved, I have to love it first, not just finish it.

I’m really enjoying He Waits (working title). It’s been surprisingly emotional to write. I’m currently on chapter 8 of 15, and once it’s complete, I plan to begin posting chapters every other week.

Lately, I’ve been experimenting with removing quotation marks in my stories.

I started doing this
A) just to try it
B) to create a more cinematic feel

What do you think? Does it work, or does it make things harder to follow? I’ve considered bringing them back because I don’t want to unintentionally distance readers.

I’ve also realized how much I love writing short stories, especially ones that explore a question rather than argue a point. I feel more confident exploring an idea than explaining it outright. I really enjoyed the Socratic-style dialogue I wrote recently about AI.

I’m also excited to begin Grushenka’s Onion on Substack. It’s already on Medium, but I want it to become a space that platforms writers like myself and cultivates something like an Inkling-esque dialogue. I have a lot of ideas for this, so stay tuned.

Life

Life this month has been fascinating.

My wife and I just started a kitchen remodel. It’s been a long time coming. As someone who loves to put things off, I’ve needed a bit of help getting started. Shiloh has graciously pulled me along like a stubborn dog on a leash.

It should be finished in early April. The plan is to christen it with friends, wine, and a beef Wellington.

Reading & Watching

I got through some good material this month.

The Song of Achilles
A fascinating retelling of a familiar myth. The prose was heavy in a way that felt immersive. It scratched an old childhood itch for Greek mythology that probably started with Percy Jackson.

Presbyterianism by Sean Lucas
A great, concise introduction to Presbyterian history, polity, and doctrine. As I begin the long process toward ordination, this felt like a helpful and grounding refresher.

Everything Is Never Enough by Bobby Jamieson
Wow. I cannot recommend this book enough. It forces you to wrestle with death and meaninglessness apart from God. It’s a compelling blend of philosophy and theology. I’ll likely write a full post on this soon. Easily one of the best books I’ve read in the last eight years.

Project Hail Mary (book and movie)
The book didn’t land for me. I found it dull and at times overly cartoonish in its characters. When something doesn’t click with me, it really doesn’t click.

The movie, however, was fantastic. It brought the story to life in a way that made it far more compelling.

Nirvana the Band the Show the Movie
Easily one of the most creatively executed films I’ve seen. It feels like someone told Nathan For You to hold their beer. The plot isn’t the main attraction, but the execution is excellent. The humor didn’t fully land for me on the first watch, but I suspect it might on a second.